itchy itchy itchy

And you know what sucks about that? I'm numb! Can't scratch. It's like a rubber tire between my fingers and the itch. Oh well, better than pain. I am actually feeling NO PAIN. Definitely not enough downtime. I'm trying to milk it, but I'm just not that good an actress. My Mother in law says she feels a relapse coming on tomorrow, she may be right :)

I am taking tomorrow off even though I feel perfectly capable of working. Kids are going to school, husband is going to work, and I get to catch up on things that have been neglected. Things like the 2 foot high pile of papers that need to be filed. I also have the irresistable urge to PURGE (don't tell the fam). Looking forward to tomorrow in every way. I'll get a taste of being a stay at home mom with kids who go to school! Unfortunately, that will never be a reality for me, so I'll take tomorrow and relish every productive and healing moment.

they're cute!

From what I can tell, my boobies are cute. The PS did such a good job with size/shape/etc. and I am so glad I trusted him. They seem a bit small, but that's good, I'm happy. AND the are so soft. It's amazing. Nipples are still undecided. One step at a time. So glad E is one step ahead so I can get an idea of what comes next :) I am kind of tired of spending money on all this crap. My deductible is gone, just like that, in one procedure.

Oh well. Happy Friday everyone. No pain pills yet. None yesterday until bedtime when I get really sore. Life is good.

recovery the 2nd time around

Well, this is much much better than I expected. Surgery went well. I came home that afternoon to two kids who were all over me. I didn't go straight to bed like last time, I read them a couple of books in my drugged stupor, then took a nap. I made it back out to spend a little family time, then back to bed.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty ok and looking forward to a quiet day of laying around and recovering, and what a bonus that I didn't feel like absolute hell. I came downstairs to my husband about in tears saying "we've got a problem". He threw his back out and couldn't move. What?? On my day to lay around and recover? I sucked it up and did what I could to pack lunches, fix breakfast, and help get the kids ready for school all the while hoping Corey was going to make it to work and take Casey to school. He was able to do so, but turns out he was in worse pain than me.

Anyway, just a couple of percocet yesterday. Sat around a lot which was heavenly and included a nap. After Dylan got home, we went for a nice walk through the neighborhood. It was so nice out finally and I enjoyed some one on one time with him. I had some pretty scary muscle spasms as I went to bed. I guess I started shivering just a bit and my muscles took over. I totally was not in control of my body. I took a valium and was finally able to lie still.

So, pretty uneventful. I go to the PS today and can't wait to see how they look! Looks like I've got 350ccs and 325ccs. They seem wide and flat, but I guess that's to be expected since the expanders were so damn pointy! They're also squashed by foam and a bra, so it will be interesting. A little sore from probably overdoing it yesterday, but definitely not classified as pain - yippee!

Almost there...

One week, two days until final implants. The PA asks me "A little bigger, or a little smaller". That's it. No talk of cc's, shape, brand, etc. I'm good with that. I'm leaning toward a little smaller. They stick out pretty far and since they're doing high profile, they'll still stick out. I feel again like my life is on hold until the surgery. It sucks. I'm being kind to myself and not running this weekend. I just don't have it in me mentally. Maybe I should push it, but I do better with a clean slate by starting again tomorrow.

Content

Content. That's the only word I really have for now. Not extremely happy, but not sad and miserable. Maybe I need a word just a little off the mark of content on the negative side. I'm not calm and at peace, but rather just "here". I can finally say that next month I will have my final implants. I am actually looking forward to surgery and keep telling my baby girl about us being able to watch movies in my bed.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't stop and look at these things in the mirror. So unbelievably weird, and yet, I am used to their presence. I am used to the squarish bulges with scars through the middle. I can't feel anything, but it doesn't bother me like I thought it would. It's not a sad numb, just a numb. Corey pokes at them and we laugh as he asks "did you feel that?" He always ends these escapades with a hug and the reassurance that this will all be over soon and how much he loves me. We laugh at how strange these hard lumps feel on him when we hug.

Just counting down now but not dwelling on it. I've moved on with my life, almost as if nothing ever happened and for that I am thankful. This really will just be a blip on the radar.

Hope

Through this whole ordeal, I keep waiting for the "end". There are some days I am so used to these imposters, that I wonder if I'm dealing with this on a real level. It's been a long time since I cried about this, or felt sorry for myself, really sorry for myself. I guess that's a good thing, right? I hope it's acceptance. Even with acceptance, if that's what it is, I keep holding my breath waiting for the end. Waiting for what will be mine for the long haul. E has finished her implant surgery and I now have hope for the end to come. Not only that it will finally be here, that I won't have bricks tied to my ribs, but that I'll feel good and look good. E looks amazing! She's only 5 days post surgery and is already off the pain meds, reaching up and looking hot. She says they're lighter, and softer and comfortable. It's so much a relief that you'd think it was me who just had the surgery. Unfortunately, it isn't. 2 months and 1 week left. March 16th.

I am doing better with sleeping. It still hurts to turn, but my turning ratio is better and the pain is not as intense. It's moving from pain to uncomfortable. Running isn't bothering me either, at least in the chest area. How out of shape I am is another story. I feel slow progress and keep pushing for March and am so excited to know that recovery really will be one week, not 8 plus. I know I can't run, but at least I'll feel well enough to do other activities and even just the day to day stuff.

On a sad note, my other friend who had a mastectomy in November (I swear I know more people having mastectomies than the flu) has just learned she needs chemo. She's young and one of those people who is extremely healthy. I mean she uses her Vitamix every day. One would hope getting your boobs chopped off would be enough. I don't have any more details but will be thinking about her and hoping chemo goes quickly for her. She is very strong and I know she'll be ok. This is one of those big picture moments. In a year, she can look back and finally exhale.

think positively, think positively

Today is a little tough for me. Weight is not "falling off" and I'm just sick of being.... not myself. Corey has taken off with his running plan and I'm very proud of him and happy for him, but frustrated that I am such an invalid in comparison. I always knew that if he started running, he'd be better than me. That I think I can live with, but the fact that I am so far behind is what bothers me. I would have been so much more positive about his success if I were my former self, coming off a marathon and running many miles on a regular basis. Progress is slow and I can't help thinking of being sidelined again in March. This crap really is going to consume my life for a year. I may forego the nipple reconstruction, so maybe just 7 months.

On that note, saw E last night after her final implant surgery. She looked wiped out and was in some pain. She said her expanders had started to separate and so he had to stitch her up on the inside to keep the implants closer together, ouch. She did say however that this pain was nothing compared to last time, thank God. I am nervous, already. I hate to go through this again, to be completely useless for a week and then the physical restrictions for another 3 weeks and no running yet again for 8 weeks.

I'm just a negative nancy today I guess. I had no idea how much my self esteem would suffer. Although I really don't care about what my boobs look like, this ordeal has changed me. I know today is just a bad day and have to remember that. Maybe tomorrow will be better... I'll try and run again this weekend, like 4 miles. Maybe that will help perk me up.

Sending E some positive thoughts. She's through the bad stuff now.