not telling

Surgery is in 2 weeks, exactly. Can't believe I'm actually having to say "surgery" again. I'm ready, as always. I'm getting so used to this. In trying to explain to people what's going on, I will from now on only explain the stitch to lift my boobies. People don't get the whole changing out of the implants thing. I don't want to sound vain. It's just that this window of opportunity has been opened and I'm taking it while I can. I am unhappy in so many ways (subtly) lately, and this is one. Maybe if I can fix this one, others will follow. I want to be done with this crap, but more than that, I want to be happy with the outcome. It's bad enough losing real breasts, so the replacements should be likeable.

f*ck me

Here we go again. I noticed my breasts slipping down, just a bit. My scar that was more or less centered is creeping upward. I went in to see my PS and turns out I need some crazy quill suture to repair something called the IMF. Can't remember what it stands for, so I just remember it as I M Fucked. The PS had no qualms telling me that this procedure "sucks and hurts a lot because we really need to adhere the skin to the chest wall". Nice. So, here I was ready for a 2-3 day recovery for some nice nipples and I get this. I asked the PA what recovery was like. I always want to know when I can run again, care for my kids, keep house and return to work. I was thinking about a week. One really painful week. Turns out I may be on narcotics for up to THREE weeks. Are you kidding me?

I had been thinking about getting smaller implants cause they were just a tad big for my personality. Then I made peace with them and was just ready to get on with my life. Now that his is thrown at me, I think I'll take another week recovery on top of the three, and go for new implants. So, four weeks again with restrictions and three weeks of pain. Can't wait.

I really can't believe I'm going through this shit again. There is no way around it. Dylan asked why I was so upset and I explained that I had to have surgery again, to which he replied with a worry in his tone "Do you have to mama?" I assured him it was going to be alright, even though I certainly don't feel that way. I have been waiting to get my life back for 10 months now. I have signed up for the Denver half marathon in October which I will most assuredly be walk/running. I'm ok with it I guess, just not what I had planned.

I guess I'll get my life back in 2011.