Hope

Through this whole ordeal, I keep waiting for the "end". There are some days I am so used to these imposters, that I wonder if I'm dealing with this on a real level. It's been a long time since I cried about this, or felt sorry for myself, really sorry for myself. I guess that's a good thing, right? I hope it's acceptance. Even with acceptance, if that's what it is, I keep holding my breath waiting for the end. Waiting for what will be mine for the long haul. E has finished her implant surgery and I now have hope for the end to come. Not only that it will finally be here, that I won't have bricks tied to my ribs, but that I'll feel good and look good. E looks amazing! She's only 5 days post surgery and is already off the pain meds, reaching up and looking hot. She says they're lighter, and softer and comfortable. It's so much a relief that you'd think it was me who just had the surgery. Unfortunately, it isn't. 2 months and 1 week left. March 16th.

I am doing better with sleeping. It still hurts to turn, but my turning ratio is better and the pain is not as intense. It's moving from pain to uncomfortable. Running isn't bothering me either, at least in the chest area. How out of shape I am is another story. I feel slow progress and keep pushing for March and am so excited to know that recovery really will be one week, not 8 plus. I know I can't run, but at least I'll feel well enough to do other activities and even just the day to day stuff.

On a sad note, my other friend who had a mastectomy in November (I swear I know more people having mastectomies than the flu) has just learned she needs chemo. She's young and one of those people who is extremely healthy. I mean she uses her Vitamix every day. One would hope getting your boobs chopped off would be enough. I don't have any more details but will be thinking about her and hoping chemo goes quickly for her. She is very strong and I know she'll be ok. This is one of those big picture moments. In a year, she can look back and finally exhale.

think positively, think positively

Today is a little tough for me. Weight is not "falling off" and I'm just sick of being.... not myself. Corey has taken off with his running plan and I'm very proud of him and happy for him, but frustrated that I am such an invalid in comparison. I always knew that if he started running, he'd be better than me. That I think I can live with, but the fact that I am so far behind is what bothers me. I would have been so much more positive about his success if I were my former self, coming off a marathon and running many miles on a regular basis. Progress is slow and I can't help thinking of being sidelined again in March. This crap really is going to consume my life for a year. I may forego the nipple reconstruction, so maybe just 7 months.

On that note, saw E last night after her final implant surgery. She looked wiped out and was in some pain. She said her expanders had started to separate and so he had to stitch her up on the inside to keep the implants closer together, ouch. She did say however that this pain was nothing compared to last time, thank God. I am nervous, already. I hate to go through this again, to be completely useless for a week and then the physical restrictions for another 3 weeks and no running yet again for 8 weeks.

I'm just a negative nancy today I guess. I had no idea how much my self esteem would suffer. Although I really don't care about what my boobs look like, this ordeal has changed me. I know today is just a bad day and have to remember that. Maybe tomorrow will be better... I'll try and run again this weekend, like 4 miles. Maybe that will help perk me up.

Sending E some positive thoughts. She's through the bad stuff now.

I'm back!

And it feels sooo good. I met some girlfriends for a run this morning. 7:30am, 26 degrees on a snow covered trail and I made it 3 miles! I was even out in front most of the time. OK, it helps that one girl has an injured knee and the other is 7 months pregnant. I hadn't planned on running that much, more like a walk with some running, but since we kept it very slow, I made it and it was easy. I have hope that I can get it back, that it wasn't all lost. I'll try for 4 next weekend and take Fletcher on some 2 milers this week.

I also have Mondor's Cords. I was freaked out by the look of them and googled for over an hour to find my answer. Two of mine travel all the way down the front of my ribs before they dissappear in my belly. Ick. Not a big deal and not especially sore so just hoping they go away without giving me a problem.

I've had a great start to 2010.

Life is good.

Isn't he paying attention??

So, we took the kids to the pool the other night. Thankfully I was able to say "No, I'm not allowed to swim yet" and was able to sit by the side and take turns watching the kids play and reading my magazine. Anyway, Corey walks by this attractive woman and signs to me "You should get boobs like hers." They are nice and I had already noticed them, but doesn't he know that I'm done with the fills? Doesn't he know that what I've got now, is what I'm going to get? I explain to him that I'm done as I pull my shirt taut to show him how they look (in front of anyone there, I apparently don't care anymore). He asks why I can't just call up the Dr. and say I want to go in for another fill. No way, surgery is set. I was sure I had done a thorough job of broadcasting that I was done with the fills. Oh well, leave it to a man not to pay attention.