short and sweet

Back from nip attachment. All went well. Dr. B said he'd take as much as possible from the extra skin I have. I am just hoping I won't have to hoist my underwear over the flaps like an old man anymore.

A little sore and bit of a headache, but overall feel really good. I just had IV sedatives which made a huge difference in how I felt coming out of it. Feeling loopy but I can function.

More later, just glad this is over.

loopy

I almost made it to work today. Emailed the boss last night and told him to expect me to come in today. I got up, showered, dressed and made up my face. I then got an email from the boss telling me to stay home, to which I replied, no, I'm coming in. I sat there and pondered staying home and although I really wanted to get back to life, I realized how loopy I still feel. I've been off percocet a couple of days, but I suppose the anesthesia is still hanging around. Oh well, I'm sitting here enjoying my downtime with my tiny Trixie on my shoulders like a scarf.

I have a hard time not being productive, so I do hope to catch up on a couple of things around the house and I'm sure I'll fit in a movie.

friends no more....

I am breaking up with Percocet. Where it used to benefit me, now only provides days of nausea and exhaustion. I am only taking it at night lately, but the effects seem to carry on well into the next day and it's wearing on me. I wanted so badly to be alert and halfway capable today so my sweet husband could watch one football game. It's one of only things besides family that means a lot to him. He cleaned the whole house this morning and then as football time neared, my eyes grew heavy and the nausea creeped in. I ended up in bed for three hours, right during the game. I told him to throw Casey in the bed with me and a movie, but he kept her entertained downstairs. I'm feeling more alive now, at 4:30, and am planning on no percocet tonight. I really want to get back to work tomorrow. Only cause I'm hourly, not cause I'm dying to work again, (or in my case sit there and wait for the phone to ring).

Anyway, there just seems to be no way to hurry recovery. And this flippin bra itches and leaves lines in my skin. Can't wait to get it off!

On another note, I think I like the new look. Even bruised and swollen and lopsided, the look is much better on me. No more grapefruits attached to the front of my ribs. I'm excited to see the look as they settle in.

So, no more percocet but I'm hoping valium and I can still get along.

backward progress

So, after a relatively easy day yesterday, I neglected to remember that it gets worse. It gets worse after all the crap they pump into you during surgery wears off. I woke at 5:30am with pains that I couldn't re-adjust myself out of. sucks. Now I sit here dizzy trying to get kids ready for school. Back to bed as soon as they're gone.

Unveiling today at 3:00. They definitely seem smaller, and higher. I think I'm going to like them. Hell, it doesn't matter if I do. I'm sticking with it and totally trust Dr. B.

Hoping things get better again tomorrow. Taking it day by day as far as what I'm able to do.

new boobies and a fix

I am back from my 3rd surgery (mastectomy, implants, and now implant revision). This had better be it! The doc had to put in an incredibly painful stitches to create what should have been a the mammary fold. I also got smaller implants by 25ccs. Not much, but I think just enough. Yesterday sucked. I can't even explain how much yesterday sucked. Corey and Casey were back in the recovery room with me and I was crying in pain. They had to send Casey out so as to not upset her. It felt like someone was simultaneously ripping and burning the skin beneath the breasts. OW! On top of it all I was nauseous, I guess from the anesthesia. This had never happened before and it took me by surprise. I went to bed pretty early and today is better.

After yesterday, I had serious doubts about how today would be. It's not so bad. I took a nap, watched a movie, messed around online, you know, the usual. It's been nice. Hoping to make it back to work Monday. We seriously need the money. Casey has some playdates lined up the rest of the week, so I have a few more days to recover.

I'm hoping these 4 weeks go by quickly. Poor Corey, running around like crazy after work trying to take care of everything. He's doing a great job. I'm not worrying about the house. Things will settle down and get back to normal.

I can tell the boobs are smaller and seem so high. They had slipped some so I suppose they're just back in place now.

I've got some TV to watch before the family gets home :)

not telling

Surgery is in 2 weeks, exactly. Can't believe I'm actually having to say "surgery" again. I'm ready, as always. I'm getting so used to this. In trying to explain to people what's going on, I will from now on only explain the stitch to lift my boobies. People don't get the whole changing out of the implants thing. I don't want to sound vain. It's just that this window of opportunity has been opened and I'm taking it while I can. I am unhappy in so many ways (subtly) lately, and this is one. Maybe if I can fix this one, others will follow. I want to be done with this crap, but more than that, I want to be happy with the outcome. It's bad enough losing real breasts, so the replacements should be likeable.

f*ck me

Here we go again. I noticed my breasts slipping down, just a bit. My scar that was more or less centered is creeping upward. I went in to see my PS and turns out I need some crazy quill suture to repair something called the IMF. Can't remember what it stands for, so I just remember it as I M Fucked. The PS had no qualms telling me that this procedure "sucks and hurts a lot because we really need to adhere the skin to the chest wall". Nice. So, here I was ready for a 2-3 day recovery for some nice nipples and I get this. I asked the PA what recovery was like. I always want to know when I can run again, care for my kids, keep house and return to work. I was thinking about a week. One really painful week. Turns out I may be on narcotics for up to THREE weeks. Are you kidding me?

I had been thinking about getting smaller implants cause they were just a tad big for my personality. Then I made peace with them and was just ready to get on with my life. Now that his is thrown at me, I think I'll take another week recovery on top of the three, and go for new implants. So, four weeks again with restrictions and three weeks of pain. Can't wait.

I really can't believe I'm going through this shit again. There is no way around it. Dylan asked why I was so upset and I explained that I had to have surgery again, to which he replied with a worry in his tone "Do you have to mama?" I assured him it was going to be alright, even though I certainly don't feel that way. I have been waiting to get my life back for 10 months now. I have signed up for the Denver half marathon in October which I will most assuredly be walk/running. I'm ok with it I guess, just not what I had planned.

I guess I'll get my life back in 2011.

itchy itchy itchy

And you know what sucks about that? I'm numb! Can't scratch. It's like a rubber tire between my fingers and the itch. Oh well, better than pain. I am actually feeling NO PAIN. Definitely not enough downtime. I'm trying to milk it, but I'm just not that good an actress. My Mother in law says she feels a relapse coming on tomorrow, she may be right :)

I am taking tomorrow off even though I feel perfectly capable of working. Kids are going to school, husband is going to work, and I get to catch up on things that have been neglected. Things like the 2 foot high pile of papers that need to be filed. I also have the irresistable urge to PURGE (don't tell the fam). Looking forward to tomorrow in every way. I'll get a taste of being a stay at home mom with kids who go to school! Unfortunately, that will never be a reality for me, so I'll take tomorrow and relish every productive and healing moment.

they're cute!

From what I can tell, my boobies are cute. The PS did such a good job with size/shape/etc. and I am so glad I trusted him. They seem a bit small, but that's good, I'm happy. AND the are so soft. It's amazing. Nipples are still undecided. One step at a time. So glad E is one step ahead so I can get an idea of what comes next :) I am kind of tired of spending money on all this crap. My deductible is gone, just like that, in one procedure.

Oh well. Happy Friday everyone. No pain pills yet. None yesterday until bedtime when I get really sore. Life is good.

recovery the 2nd time around

Well, this is much much better than I expected. Surgery went well. I came home that afternoon to two kids who were all over me. I didn't go straight to bed like last time, I read them a couple of books in my drugged stupor, then took a nap. I made it back out to spend a little family time, then back to bed.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty ok and looking forward to a quiet day of laying around and recovering, and what a bonus that I didn't feel like absolute hell. I came downstairs to my husband about in tears saying "we've got a problem". He threw his back out and couldn't move. What?? On my day to lay around and recover? I sucked it up and did what I could to pack lunches, fix breakfast, and help get the kids ready for school all the while hoping Corey was going to make it to work and take Casey to school. He was able to do so, but turns out he was in worse pain than me.

Anyway, just a couple of percocet yesterday. Sat around a lot which was heavenly and included a nap. After Dylan got home, we went for a nice walk through the neighborhood. It was so nice out finally and I enjoyed some one on one time with him. I had some pretty scary muscle spasms as I went to bed. I guess I started shivering just a bit and my muscles took over. I totally was not in control of my body. I took a valium and was finally able to lie still.

So, pretty uneventful. I go to the PS today and can't wait to see how they look! Looks like I've got 350ccs and 325ccs. They seem wide and flat, but I guess that's to be expected since the expanders were so damn pointy! They're also squashed by foam and a bra, so it will be interesting. A little sore from probably overdoing it yesterday, but definitely not classified as pain - yippee!

Almost there...

One week, two days until final implants. The PA asks me "A little bigger, or a little smaller". That's it. No talk of cc's, shape, brand, etc. I'm good with that. I'm leaning toward a little smaller. They stick out pretty far and since they're doing high profile, they'll still stick out. I feel again like my life is on hold until the surgery. It sucks. I'm being kind to myself and not running this weekend. I just don't have it in me mentally. Maybe I should push it, but I do better with a clean slate by starting again tomorrow.

Content

Content. That's the only word I really have for now. Not extremely happy, but not sad and miserable. Maybe I need a word just a little off the mark of content on the negative side. I'm not calm and at peace, but rather just "here". I can finally say that next month I will have my final implants. I am actually looking forward to surgery and keep telling my baby girl about us being able to watch movies in my bed.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't stop and look at these things in the mirror. So unbelievably weird, and yet, I am used to their presence. I am used to the squarish bulges with scars through the middle. I can't feel anything, but it doesn't bother me like I thought it would. It's not a sad numb, just a numb. Corey pokes at them and we laugh as he asks "did you feel that?" He always ends these escapades with a hug and the reassurance that this will all be over soon and how much he loves me. We laugh at how strange these hard lumps feel on him when we hug.

Just counting down now but not dwelling on it. I've moved on with my life, almost as if nothing ever happened and for that I am thankful. This really will just be a blip on the radar.

Hope

Through this whole ordeal, I keep waiting for the "end". There are some days I am so used to these imposters, that I wonder if I'm dealing with this on a real level. It's been a long time since I cried about this, or felt sorry for myself, really sorry for myself. I guess that's a good thing, right? I hope it's acceptance. Even with acceptance, if that's what it is, I keep holding my breath waiting for the end. Waiting for what will be mine for the long haul. E has finished her implant surgery and I now have hope for the end to come. Not only that it will finally be here, that I won't have bricks tied to my ribs, but that I'll feel good and look good. E looks amazing! She's only 5 days post surgery and is already off the pain meds, reaching up and looking hot. She says they're lighter, and softer and comfortable. It's so much a relief that you'd think it was me who just had the surgery. Unfortunately, it isn't. 2 months and 1 week left. March 16th.

I am doing better with sleeping. It still hurts to turn, but my turning ratio is better and the pain is not as intense. It's moving from pain to uncomfortable. Running isn't bothering me either, at least in the chest area. How out of shape I am is another story. I feel slow progress and keep pushing for March and am so excited to know that recovery really will be one week, not 8 plus. I know I can't run, but at least I'll feel well enough to do other activities and even just the day to day stuff.

On a sad note, my other friend who had a mastectomy in November (I swear I know more people having mastectomies than the flu) has just learned she needs chemo. She's young and one of those people who is extremely healthy. I mean she uses her Vitamix every day. One would hope getting your boobs chopped off would be enough. I don't have any more details but will be thinking about her and hoping chemo goes quickly for her. She is very strong and I know she'll be ok. This is one of those big picture moments. In a year, she can look back and finally exhale.

think positively, think positively

Today is a little tough for me. Weight is not "falling off" and I'm just sick of being.... not myself. Corey has taken off with his running plan and I'm very proud of him and happy for him, but frustrated that I am such an invalid in comparison. I always knew that if he started running, he'd be better than me. That I think I can live with, but the fact that I am so far behind is what bothers me. I would have been so much more positive about his success if I were my former self, coming off a marathon and running many miles on a regular basis. Progress is slow and I can't help thinking of being sidelined again in March. This crap really is going to consume my life for a year. I may forego the nipple reconstruction, so maybe just 7 months.

On that note, saw E last night after her final implant surgery. She looked wiped out and was in some pain. She said her expanders had started to separate and so he had to stitch her up on the inside to keep the implants closer together, ouch. She did say however that this pain was nothing compared to last time, thank God. I am nervous, already. I hate to go through this again, to be completely useless for a week and then the physical restrictions for another 3 weeks and no running yet again for 8 weeks.

I'm just a negative nancy today I guess. I had no idea how much my self esteem would suffer. Although I really don't care about what my boobs look like, this ordeal has changed me. I know today is just a bad day and have to remember that. Maybe tomorrow will be better... I'll try and run again this weekend, like 4 miles. Maybe that will help perk me up.

Sending E some positive thoughts. She's through the bad stuff now.

I'm back!

And it feels sooo good. I met some girlfriends for a run this morning. 7:30am, 26 degrees on a snow covered trail and I made it 3 miles! I was even out in front most of the time. OK, it helps that one girl has an injured knee and the other is 7 months pregnant. I hadn't planned on running that much, more like a walk with some running, but since we kept it very slow, I made it and it was easy. I have hope that I can get it back, that it wasn't all lost. I'll try for 4 next weekend and take Fletcher on some 2 milers this week.

I also have Mondor's Cords. I was freaked out by the look of them and googled for over an hour to find my answer. Two of mine travel all the way down the front of my ribs before they dissappear in my belly. Ick. Not a big deal and not especially sore so just hoping they go away without giving me a problem.

I've had a great start to 2010.

Life is good.

Isn't he paying attention??

So, we took the kids to the pool the other night. Thankfully I was able to say "No, I'm not allowed to swim yet" and was able to sit by the side and take turns watching the kids play and reading my magazine. Anyway, Corey walks by this attractive woman and signs to me "You should get boobs like hers." They are nice and I had already noticed them, but doesn't he know that I'm done with the fills? Doesn't he know that what I've got now, is what I'm going to get? I explain to him that I'm done as I pull my shirt taut to show him how they look (in front of anyone there, I apparently don't care anymore). He asks why I can't just call up the Dr. and say I want to go in for another fill. No way, surgery is set. I was sure I had done a thorough job of broadcasting that I was done with the fills. Oh well, leave it to a man not to pay attention.