not telling

Surgery is in 2 weeks, exactly. Can't believe I'm actually having to say "surgery" again. I'm ready, as always. I'm getting so used to this. In trying to explain to people what's going on, I will from now on only explain the stitch to lift my boobies. People don't get the whole changing out of the implants thing. I don't want to sound vain. It's just that this window of opportunity has been opened and I'm taking it while I can. I am unhappy in so many ways (subtly) lately, and this is one. Maybe if I can fix this one, others will follow. I want to be done with this crap, but more than that, I want to be happy with the outcome. It's bad enough losing real breasts, so the replacements should be likeable.

f*ck me

Here we go again. I noticed my breasts slipping down, just a bit. My scar that was more or less centered is creeping upward. I went in to see my PS and turns out I need some crazy quill suture to repair something called the IMF. Can't remember what it stands for, so I just remember it as I M Fucked. The PS had no qualms telling me that this procedure "sucks and hurts a lot because we really need to adhere the skin to the chest wall". Nice. So, here I was ready for a 2-3 day recovery for some nice nipples and I get this. I asked the PA what recovery was like. I always want to know when I can run again, care for my kids, keep house and return to work. I was thinking about a week. One really painful week. Turns out I may be on narcotics for up to THREE weeks. Are you kidding me?

I had been thinking about getting smaller implants cause they were just a tad big for my personality. Then I made peace with them and was just ready to get on with my life. Now that his is thrown at me, I think I'll take another week recovery on top of the three, and go for new implants. So, four weeks again with restrictions and three weeks of pain. Can't wait.

I really can't believe I'm going through this shit again. There is no way around it. Dylan asked why I was so upset and I explained that I had to have surgery again, to which he replied with a worry in his tone "Do you have to mama?" I assured him it was going to be alright, even though I certainly don't feel that way. I have been waiting to get my life back for 10 months now. I have signed up for the Denver half marathon in October which I will most assuredly be walk/running. I'm ok with it I guess, just not what I had planned.

I guess I'll get my life back in 2011.

itchy itchy itchy

And you know what sucks about that? I'm numb! Can't scratch. It's like a rubber tire between my fingers and the itch. Oh well, better than pain. I am actually feeling NO PAIN. Definitely not enough downtime. I'm trying to milk it, but I'm just not that good an actress. My Mother in law says she feels a relapse coming on tomorrow, she may be right :)

I am taking tomorrow off even though I feel perfectly capable of working. Kids are going to school, husband is going to work, and I get to catch up on things that have been neglected. Things like the 2 foot high pile of papers that need to be filed. I also have the irresistable urge to PURGE (don't tell the fam). Looking forward to tomorrow in every way. I'll get a taste of being a stay at home mom with kids who go to school! Unfortunately, that will never be a reality for me, so I'll take tomorrow and relish every productive and healing moment.

they're cute!

From what I can tell, my boobies are cute. The PS did such a good job with size/shape/etc. and I am so glad I trusted him. They seem a bit small, but that's good, I'm happy. AND the are so soft. It's amazing. Nipples are still undecided. One step at a time. So glad E is one step ahead so I can get an idea of what comes next :) I am kind of tired of spending money on all this crap. My deductible is gone, just like that, in one procedure.

Oh well. Happy Friday everyone. No pain pills yet. None yesterday until bedtime when I get really sore. Life is good.

recovery the 2nd time around

Well, this is much much better than I expected. Surgery went well. I came home that afternoon to two kids who were all over me. I didn't go straight to bed like last time, I read them a couple of books in my drugged stupor, then took a nap. I made it back out to spend a little family time, then back to bed.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty ok and looking forward to a quiet day of laying around and recovering, and what a bonus that I didn't feel like absolute hell. I came downstairs to my husband about in tears saying "we've got a problem". He threw his back out and couldn't move. What?? On my day to lay around and recover? I sucked it up and did what I could to pack lunches, fix breakfast, and help get the kids ready for school all the while hoping Corey was going to make it to work and take Casey to school. He was able to do so, but turns out he was in worse pain than me.

Anyway, just a couple of percocet yesterday. Sat around a lot which was heavenly and included a nap. After Dylan got home, we went for a nice walk through the neighborhood. It was so nice out finally and I enjoyed some one on one time with him. I had some pretty scary muscle spasms as I went to bed. I guess I started shivering just a bit and my muscles took over. I totally was not in control of my body. I took a valium and was finally able to lie still.

So, pretty uneventful. I go to the PS today and can't wait to see how they look! Looks like I've got 350ccs and 325ccs. They seem wide and flat, but I guess that's to be expected since the expanders were so damn pointy! They're also squashed by foam and a bra, so it will be interesting. A little sore from probably overdoing it yesterday, but definitely not classified as pain - yippee!

Almost there...

One week, two days until final implants. The PA asks me "A little bigger, or a little smaller". That's it. No talk of cc's, shape, brand, etc. I'm good with that. I'm leaning toward a little smaller. They stick out pretty far and since they're doing high profile, they'll still stick out. I feel again like my life is on hold until the surgery. It sucks. I'm being kind to myself and not running this weekend. I just don't have it in me mentally. Maybe I should push it, but I do better with a clean slate by starting again tomorrow.

Content

Content. That's the only word I really have for now. Not extremely happy, but not sad and miserable. Maybe I need a word just a little off the mark of content on the negative side. I'm not calm and at peace, but rather just "here". I can finally say that next month I will have my final implants. I am actually looking forward to surgery and keep telling my baby girl about us being able to watch movies in my bed.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't stop and look at these things in the mirror. So unbelievably weird, and yet, I am used to their presence. I am used to the squarish bulges with scars through the middle. I can't feel anything, but it doesn't bother me like I thought it would. It's not a sad numb, just a numb. Corey pokes at them and we laugh as he asks "did you feel that?" He always ends these escapades with a hug and the reassurance that this will all be over soon and how much he loves me. We laugh at how strange these hard lumps feel on him when we hug.

Just counting down now but not dwelling on it. I've moved on with my life, almost as if nothing ever happened and for that I am thankful. This really will just be a blip on the radar.